Thank you for joining me your host Liz Clifton and my wonderful take34u Self Care Series: Creating Calm Confidence Guest Gerry Steinhauer as we share selfcare secrets, top tips and stories of our experiences.

It's an absolute pleasure to support you with your own self-care journey as you take34u and enjoy our chat below:

Gerry Steinhauer & Liz Clifton Interview

Gerry Steinhauer
NLP Master Coach, Project Management and Agile Development Coach 🎤 I'm a Block Buster! Busting those blocks that are preventing you from achieving goals be they personal or business.

Connect with him here: https://www.xplaintraining.co.uk/

Gerry Steinhauer & Liz Clifton Interview Transcription:

Liz Clifton: Yes. Welcome. It's my absolute honour. And greatest pleasure to welcome Gerry.  

Gerry Steinhauer: Hiya.  

Liz Clifton: Hi. Okay, so thank you so much for spending your time with us here today. And first question is what does self-care mean to you?  

Gerry Steinhauer: Well, if, if I was going to be flippant, but I'd say washing on a daily basis.  But self-care in reality is making sure that you are fit to carry out what you need to carry out on a daily basis. And that includes physically and mentally.  

Liz Clifton: And do you kind of check in with yourself physically and mentally every day or does it vary?  

Gerry Steinhauer: It varies to a degree. It depends on, what I find sitting, waiting on my laptop when I log in. That will have, that will have a bearing. But no, I, I, I try to get my days planned out. So I do have time to actually come alive first. Because to me self care is, is, is about getting yourself into a position where you start the day in competent mood. You start the day in, in a position of strength rather than, oh my God, I'm in a panic.  

Liz Clifton: Yeah.  And so how do you do that What steps do you take to get yourself in that mood?  

Gerry Steinhauer: Well, it starts with a cup of tea.   It used to start with about three cups of coffee. I've got away from that. and it's, it's, it's, it's really, it's, it's about taking stock of where, where I, where I feel I am at that point in time. So, you know, first thing in the morning.  And then dealing with whatever I find, you know, sometimes I've slept, I've slept poorly. I wake up tired. Because at the moment I seem to have an internal clock this kicked in at 7:03 every morning, regardless of what day it is. And regardless of what time the alarm has been set for 7:03, this internal clock kicks off. And I'll have to deal with that at some point. But you know, it, it really realistically it's, it's about checking yourself physically and mentally making sure that everything that you need to have have functioning for that for the day, is functioning and it's functioning the way you wanted to.  

Liz Clifton: How did you first begin to do that Check in with your self?  

Gerry Steinhauer: It took me a long time to work it out. It took me a very, very long time to, to come to appreciate that  what goes on internally manifests externally. And it was, it was a long, long process for me, you know cause my one, my background is, is pretty chequered. You know, so I spent, an awfully long time drinking to excess and, that didn't do me any favours at all. And it took me, took me what 25 years to realize that it wasn't doing me any favours. So I didn't learn terribly quickly either. But, you know, I honestly believe that we were here for a reason. And my reason was obviously to find myself through that past and be able to help others now, who are, who are on that path. Or on any kind of self negating path. So, you know, it was, there was a, there was a reason behind it. And it's, it's put me in good stead now. And then, you know, when I finally did find myself, I got to the point where I started to understand the things I've done and isn't that part of life? Understanding what you've done things well, I've made a lot more, more mistakes than most people I know. So I understand a bit more than, than a lot of people and it means I can help others more effectively.  

Liz Clifton: Yeah. That's amazing. And thank you for sharing so openly with us. You know really appreciate that.  

Gerry Steinhauer: I don't see any point in having like clearances that you keep hidden. You know, if you're having like experiences that you don't want others to know about. Then don't have those experiences.  

Liz Clifton: Yeah. I love that as a good top tech. So before you're doing anything or going into anything, just think, would you want other people to be aware? And if not, why not? Should you really be doing that Do you really want to be doing that?  

Gerry Steinhauer: Yeah. there's, there's a saying that I've known for years, which is what would your grandmother say?  And you know, you, you, you think about, think of it in those terms and you suddenly think she probably wouldn't be too impressed. Okay. Well, in that case, I probably shouldn't be doing it. You know, and isn't it, isn't it strange that that's, quite an old fashioned attitude. Worrying about what others might say, others might think. But the reality is if you're doing things that others think are unhealthy or unhelpful or antisocial or that get others, wound up.  Aren't you just cutting down your chances of meeting people who get to know you and like you and therefore become friends and everything else. Become, decent work colleagues, you know it, it just impact in all areas of your life. So, you know, anything that you can do that actually lessens the impact is beneficial, beneficial to you and for them.  

Liz Clifton: Yeah. Lessening the negative impact. I like that. And so you could, you could flip that and rather than lessening the negative, it could be, what can you do to build the positive. How do you increase the connection and like the good ways.  

Gerry Steinhauer: Yeah. But you can't, you can't start that before and until you've lessened, any negative. Because it's very difficult to build positive. If there's negative there to start with. So first action is to have a look at it. Does this have a negative impact. If it does, don't do it. Because it's going to make your job harder. If you do. And I'm all for one, keep keeping things for, or I've always been one for keeping things simple, keep it easy. I've had my time of doing it all the hard way.  

Liz Clifton: Yeah. And I guess the other way is like, by reducing the negative, you're kind of neutralizing. So rather than there being like an issue and you're making the issue where you're just kind of not doing the action. And then it neutralizes it and then you've got your foundation to build it.  

Gerry Steinhauer: Yeah. You've got a solid foundation to start with, you know, think of how would you build a house. You put down the foundations first, cause you don't want it wobbling around the big, bad Wolf and come and blow it down. so, you know, start from a base of tranquility. Yeah. So that you're, you're not, you're not causing unnecessary waves. And that makes fostering relationships so much easier. And you know, life is, life is about relationships. If you're, if you're building relationships that turn into friendships. They sustain you during  during the low periods, because we all have them. It doesn't matter how, how good you are. You are going to have periods where things aren't going, aren't going the way you want them to. And that's where friends come in. And if you haven't built any up, then you've got a problem.  

Liz Clifton: Well, and get started. Cause I completely agree. It's having that kind of support network around you. So like you said, when things come up, when you're like checking in with yourself. Do you have that support network around of people you can reach out to for that bit of help?  

Gerry Steinhauer: Yeah. Yeah. And if the answer is no, then go bloody build one. Yeah. And going back to what we started with about that, checking in process. You know if you're not checking in, you won't be aware of this. You won't be, you won't really be aware that you don't have any, any sustainable friendships. Because you still got people milling around you. And it's very easy to, to lull yourself into this sort of false sense of security. Like. Yeah. Look at all these people I know. But how many of them would actually turn around and help you if you needed it.  

Gerry Steinhauer: And that to me is the essence of friendship is someone you can turn to. You know, I'm, I'm very lucky. I've got, some very longstanding friends. I mean, people I've known for 50 plus years now. Yeah. One of the benefits of being an old fart as my daughter calls me. Is that you've had time to establish relationships, longstanding ones. And they're the kinds of friends who you don't have to see for a year or more, but as soon as you do you're straight back in. And the door, the door's always open and it's this a two way thing, isn't it.  And having that kind of support network around you is massive. Not these fly by night acquaintances, the check-in process. First thing you check,  do, I still have friends. When you get to my age, you start checking the obituaries.  

Liz Clifton: Aw bless you. Yeah. And I guess if you find no, perhaps you don't. Then it's time to start looking for the people that align with how you want to be, and how you want to show up, and find other people that are in that same kind of area.  

Gerry Steinhauer: To a degree. But the first thing you should be doing at that point is working out why that's, why that's the case. Because again, try not to put cart before the horse, you know, you, you actually need to sort out whatever it is, that's preventing you from achieving those relationships before you try and achieve achieve relationships. And the problem with this is it, this is, this is life, isn't it. You learn by living. And if you're not learning the lessons that life is giving you, and I can attest to this, if you're not learning those lessons, then you're making life very difficult. But the nice bit about life is that as soon as you do start to learn the lessons, learn the lessons, everything turns around. And that's why, you know, I get, I get clients coming in. Who've  you know, I've got people who have been drug users, habitual drug users and stuff like that. And they, they come in because they've finally learned a bit of a lesson. They've come to an understanding that what they're doing is not getting them what they want. They don't understand why, but they come in because they want to find out.  

Gerry Steinhauer: And isn't that the first step you want to find out. And everybody gets to that point at some, at some point in their lives. And it doesn't matter. What's the most, the guy Bronson, the, the hardest man in jail who is locked away for 40 years or whatever, whatever it was. You know, everybody avoided him, but he eventually started spending his time in jail, educating himself and learning doesn't mean he changed, but he started to understand. And I'm sure if I, if I ever met Adolph, I'm sure that deep deep in the recesses of his mind, what he was doing was to his, his version of reality, the best he could do. And with a positive, higher purpose, doesn't say it doesn't say he was right. But his positive, higher purpose, it could have been something, it would have been one there. At least you could have a discussion on that basis. And that's what I love about what I do getting to discuss with people, what their higher purpose is. And then engage in a bit of a debate about it because it gives you that option. Doesn't it that opportunity.  

Liz Clifton: Yeah. I think, I think that's amazing. And I think it's opening up, like their perspective. Like you said, by getting into the, you can start to open up their vision of the world Alito. And then obviously that's where we learn about ourselves and what our real beliefs and values are, and actually standing at that. Could I do things differently? You know, to achieve the outcome that I'm actually looking for.  

Gerry Steinhauer: Yeah. And it's it, you know, life's about the alternatives you take option a, or you can take option b. Well, it, it's never really that black and white though, you can take option a one or a two, or you can take options b one at one to nine. Or you can go, you can go all the way down to z, because there are so many possibilities out there for us.  But the trick, the trick is to identify those that have a positive outcome outcome for you and for the people around you. Please don't forget if, if the positive outcome for you is alienating others. Yeah. If it's alienating others, it's going to give you a life full of strife. Yeah. And sometimes people just need that little bit of outside input that says, are you sure? No. Have you evaluated that fully?  

Liz Clifton: Probably not.  

Gerry Steinhauer: Yeah. It's, it's, it's lovely to be able to work like that.  

Liz Clifton: Yeah. It's also. It's really empowering because then you realize that it is actually your choice.  

Gerry Steinhauer: Yeah.   And it's, it's empowering on two, on two levels. It's, it's empowering on the level of you as an individual, because also don't forget. It's also empowering on the level of your acquaintances as individuals as well. Because they suddenly see someone who they've got pigeonholed in one, in one group change. And that gives them options, you know and you could go from "God, I can't stand that person". You know, to they're not that bad really. Maybe I misjudged them. And just by you making the change yeah. Won't you project is what's inside you. So what you project is also what you get back. So if you're a sourpuss, guess what you're gonna, you're gonna surround yourself with. More sourpusses. And if you, if you suddenly find yourself thinking, why am I surrounded by all these visual fits possibly because you're, yeah.  

Liz Clifton: You got to look at the mirror then.  

Gerry Steinhauer: Yeah. But it's got, it's got to be a true mirror. It's not one that you've created. Because if you create a mirror as a sour, git, you're going to create a mirror that reflects sour as being good.  

Liz Clifton: Oh yeah. I like that. And there are that. Yeah. That shows you how you want it to be.  

Gerry Steinhauer: Yeah.  And don't, we all do that.  

Liz Clifton: Yeah. You know, and I think it's at the point where you realize that that's what you're doing, that's kind of your baseline. You then like, oh yeah, no, I, I don't want that. And that's where you start to go into that, that transformation.  

Gerry Steinhauer: And  that's also what gives you choices. You know, I, I'm still a long haired git, I have been, since I was 17, I have this steadfast refusal to have short hair. And yes, it's something I could change, but it's not, it's not a value I actually want to change. So you know, I'm aware of the, of the down sides of it. It means that I have to explain things to people, problems on occasion. But it's, yeah, it's, it's just something that I I've never wanted change. I suspect I never will. And you know, they, there are choices. That's the point. You have choices. You can choose to, to have a particular foil ball of your own and you carry it with you. And if it causes you to have to do certain things to make, to, to get what you want, then you're prepared to do that. So I'm not saying that everybody should be a clone of everybody else, far from it. You know, you have to be an individual. And you know, in my, in my case, the individualism is I still have long hair. Okay. It's not a problem. Not a problem to me. And it's not a problem to people who resonate with me as a person. Yeah. It's just, it's the same as if, if you want to wear a suit to work every day, then you wear a suit to work everyday. It's no difference then. 

Liz Clifton: No. And I like that, because again, that's like the empowerment, it's your choice. You get to pick in every moment exactly what you're doing. Now, obviously as certain sort of legal restrictions that we have to live with because we're in society.  

Gerry Steinhauer: Yeah.  

Liz Clifton: But, you know, even then you can choose to abide by it. Why not You know, we have these constant choices and it's just remembering that you can choose.  

Gerry Steinhauer: Yeah. And every choice has a consequence.  Absolutely. Every choice, be it positive or negative there is a consequence. And it's up to you to decide whether that consequence is one that you're willing to live with. Know, for me, I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I wouldn't do anything that, shall we say harms an individual. I'm not worried about upsetting people on occasion because you know, you, you, you find yourself in positions where you, you've got to be honest. And I couldn't, I couldn't operate as a coach if I wasn't on it. Yeah. And I'm sure, I'm sure you find the same, Liz. Yeah, you, you, you have to, sometimes some of the truths are unpalatable, but if you wrap them up in cotton wool, then that client is going to go away with actual results and they're going to continue the behaviours that they came to you with. But there's always a way of putting it gently. And you know, getting them to consider the outcome of their actions. You know, I wouldn't ever impose or impose a solution on anyone you can't. I've climbed too many layers in my time, climbed over too many people to get it. To get to the top of that ladder sort of thing. What do you want to come up here. And I'll look, they're all waiting for me now.  

Liz Clifton: You do learn with experience. Yeah. And I think that, again, that kind of comes back to that, checking in with yourself. It's just making sure that the decisions you're taking, the consequences that may occur, you're willing to pay those prices. And does that really align with your values And it all begins with who I can ask, what are your values, you know, and are you aligned at the minute and what bits do you want to change so that you get, you know, into that kind of self.  

Gerry Steinhauer: Once  you understand your values, you understand what you have to offer. You understand what you have to work with and therefore you can work out. And then this is my project management hat head coming off because let's face it. Life is a project. And it's one of the things I've talked to our clients now, you know, you're lifes aproject. I'm not only an NLP master coach. I'm also, probably one of the best project management trainers in the UK, because there aren't any, there've been doing it as long as I have. I know that life is a project, so therefore I can help you to realign that project or, for a better purpose. Or whatever it is you want as an outcome. But treat your lives to project. Exactly the same as booking a holiday is a project and getting there. Yeah. So it's all, it's all projects. You just get it. You have to get things lined up, identify what needs to be done and then line them up in the right sequence. So you get it done. And the first things that you can't do learn them or get someone else to do them.  

Liz Clifton: Yeah. And that's going back to that support network again, isn't it. It's making sure you've got the people that are going to be there to help you build your life project, how you want it to be.  

Gerry Steinhauer: You know, the people that surround you are a part of your life project team. And you have people who keep you on the straight and narrow we'll organize, you you'll have others who will do the spadework. Yeah. You know the heavy lifting or will assist you with the heavy lifting. yeah, they're all there. So make sure that your life project is one that you're proud of at the end. Wouldn't it be awful to get to the end and be told you screwed that up.  

Liz Clifton: I guess so long as you know, within yourself that you've done the best you wanted to do, you've taken those opportunities you wanted to, you've made the decisions you want. Actually, what someone else's judgment at the end is doesn't really matter. Because I think it's, you, you have to be happy with you.  

Gerry Steinhauer: It depends on what you think you're going off towards.  

Liz Clifton: That's true.  

Gerry Steinhauer: If  you think that there's going to be a judgment day at the end, and you're coming towards it and you're thinking.  I should, I really shouldn't have done all those things that I've done. It's, it's not, it's not a nice way to approach whatever the end is. I'd rather be approaching on the basis that yeah, I've screwed up. But I've got positives in the ledger as well. And there's more positives than they're are negatives. I've done my best. I've done the best I can with the resources I had available to me at that point in time. And your re your resources grow as you get older, your understanding grows. I, I mean, I find I get far less annoyed at stupid things these days than I ever did before.  

Liz Clifton: That's a celebration.  

Gerry Steinhauer: Yeah it is.  Yeah, I, I, yeah, I know I've done an awful lot of internal work with my own inner demons and my own inner values and beliefs and everything. So I know what's changed, but I look back at what has been changed. Nothing. I would have been able to change that eventually, but eventually it wasn't good enough. Let's get to the point of being the true me as quickly as possible. And that applies to everyone.  

Liz Clifton: Yeah. I followed a similar path myself, and it's very timely and I know that keeping you on time, you get to go now. So I would like to say a huge, thank you for sharing everything so openly. And, you know, going into real detail with us there. It was amazing. Thank you.  

Gerry Steinhauer: It's an absolute pleasure list thoroughly enjoyed it.