Kayleigh Stangroom & Liz Clifton Interview Transcription:
Liz Clifton: Welcome to the amazing, wonderful Kayleigh. She is Business owner of Praise and Paw Dog Training and also Business Coach with Epic Dog. Welcome wonderful lady.
Kayleigh Stangroom: Excited to be here and talking about a really awesome topic on so many levels.
Liz Clifton: So, and like you said, it kind of fits into both spectrums of, of your work, so perfect. You're perfectly placed. Okay. So first question, what does self care mean to you?
Kayleigh Stangroom: Wonderful question. So self care means to me, the ability to look after one's self, and that's like lots of different levels. It's not just kind of going, having a massage, which I used to think was just self-care. I would just having a day off. It's actually emotionally looking after myself being able to lead myself in situations that, you know, there'll be situations where maybe I feel uncomfortable and it's being able to go, no, but we're going to say no to that thing. You know, it's, it's emotional, it's being able to lead myself and to lead to things I want to do and to learn, to say no to things I don't want to do. You know, it's physical it's, it's time is basically the me. It's like, whatever I need, in that particular moment situation or, and go forwards in like what I want to create in my future, quite a long one.
Liz Clifton: But it gets to be because it does it, it changes and it isn't one thing. And I think we often we grow up thinking it is the massage, the bubble bath, the day off as so much more underneath that.
Kayleigh Stangroom: Definitely. Definitely. And you know, I think in schools, they never really taught you how to do it either. Like, you know, when I remember going to school, it was like after school clubs, which I guess could also be self-care right. If you're into doing activity, it wasn't my version of self-care, but I felt like I had to do it because my friends are doing it. And I never really learned how to just kind of relax I guess. And then I just come home, do homework and then watch TV. And, you know, it's, it's not something that's never taught and it's not till you get to like burnout. Well least that's what happened to me. I got to burn out and was like. What like, why can I not do the things that I could do and be so exhausted, like, you know, at 11 o'clock morning, it didn't make any sense. but yeah, you're right. It's, it's so much more than just the artificial things or what is put on media is self-care.
Liz Clifton: Yeah, for sure. So thinking back to your very first experience of self self-care, what's the earliest memory you could share with us?
Kayleigh Stangroom: Oh, okay. Earliest memory, I think at the time I probably didn't know it was self-care. So unconscious self care was probably doing, like I'm meeting my friends, going dog, walking, the dogs that we had as a family. It was, going to the cinema and watching a funny film normally or something that was like not killing at that time. Marvel was always a good film I know there's a lot of killing in Marvel, but they have a good message in there somewhere beneath all the conflict. And yeah, just hanging out with my friends and having a laugh, like just having that connection and I would do the same with my family. So unconsciously that's really what myself had looked like. But conscious self-care is probably like only in this last year that I've really gone. Oh, there's way more levels.
Kayleigh Stangroom: I get to the first self-care, so this kind of last year, whatever, feeling myself get, will be headed. That's like a time to go. Okay. So when did we actually, when did I stop feeling this way? And what was I doing because there, what could have done better or can do next time so I didn't get to that from that state. So now it seemed to have gotten more intense with all these smaller signs. So like foggy headedness, like feeling, just waking up tired and going all right. Like, why are we, why are we waking up tired? Like, what did we miss to get to here Sometimes it could just be like a meal that I had that was too, I don't know, like carbohydrated or I just didn't exercise next. And that there's lots of different reasons. And like, exactly, like you said, it's gonna be really individual.
Kayleigh Stangroom: So, I've completely had kind of like by tracked your question, but really like conscious self care are really deep level. Where I'm looking at myself emotionally, physically, to, to be the best version of myself was only this last year. And it was just kind of noticing, okay, what that is. And then it was doing activities like stopping work at a certain time going for a walk. it was changing like the diet, like, so trying up different foods in the evening to seeing if that made a difference to how I woke up in the morning. limiting how much time I come off social, like on time off the computers now I think viral. So what I have done on my phone, which has been the biggest okay. It means that she turned off all the notifications. so my phone doesn't go BBBeeb BBBeeb the whole day, downside to that as I miss messages. Which is really annoying for people on the other end, but it means I'm not constantly in the cycle of replying being on my phone and then getting trapped back into work again. Because it's really easy for me to just work all the time. Cause I enjoy it.
Liz Clifton: No, it's beautiful. And you haven't sidetracked and actually pulled in my other question, which would be, how is self-care changed for you over the time?
Kayleigh Stangroom: Ooooh there we go.
Liz Clifton: So you've really put into that. So step, so like right now in this moment, what's your favorite self-care?
Kayleigh Stangroom: My favorite self-care is sitting on the beach, ideally when it's sunny I'm not a big fan of sitting when it's raining. But ideally if it's sunny sitting on the beach and just basking, like just sitting there for as long as I want. Before I get to where I was like, all right, let's get up and go like that. It's that piece. so that is my favorite self-care I feel like I'm just, I've just, there's nothing around me. Like it's just me, it feels really freeing. It's peaceful. It's a bit meditative like meditation. It can feel a bit like that. I do do meditations as well, but I'm learning to enjoy those and not like favorite just yet. But yeah, just sitting, doing absolutely nothing. Listening to the waves. We have a dog have the dog there and play with the dogs on the beach as well. Depends how the dog's feeling. Cause they're a bit arthritic, so he's not always down, but go to the beach and just basking all day.
Kayleigh Stangroom: Awww bless him. Then thinking about, sort of yourself and how you celebrate yourself, what do you do to celebrate your wins?
Kayleigh Stangroom: I love that you asked that one. Cause I never, I that's, again, that was something I never did. I will even even full by that. It was a bit either linked to, to self care. and that was very easy. I was very easy to just quickly go over and do the next thing I missed actually the, the moment and what I create. Like I created it, this thing it gets to be celebrated. Even if it was something really small. So to celebrate my wins, I should do it. We did it to myself. mentally, if I call it like, you know, if I don't want to do it in like in the middle of, Asda, I just want to do it in my head. And I'm like, sometimes I'll have like a little dance party, where I just stick the musical on and just dance. And I've been doing it towards the end of the month if I like achieved all the things I set out to do at the beginning, more so in business than, personally. I might do it personally, but I haven't got to that, but not yet. But more so in business. If at the end of the month I cheat everything they wanted to achieve. Then I will like go do something. I'll take like, a percentage of why. And then go do something really special, which could be like camping. It could just be buying something that I really wanted to buy. it could be donating it. Like, it's just like, there's that much that I can go. All right. Gift it and celebrate it that way. So I have lots of different ways. It just depends how I'm feeling. I want to celebrate it. Cause sometimes I don't feel like dancing and it just a simple, you did good today is enough for me to go. Yeah, we did good yeah we did good. Like a mental fist bump.
Liz Clifton: I love that. Yeah. Mental fist bump. Like you mentioned about meditating and that it's not your favorite thing. How did you first get into it and kind of, why are you doing it?
Kayleigh Stangroom: It's a good question. So I've been like hearing, been trying meditation for a long time. I started when I just read a blog that someone said it was good for you. And at the time I was like, let's try it and see if it helps. and I felt like it did, it definitely did silence. I felt like it's silence, but what ended up coming out from it was just a more thought. So then I got completely sidetracked from what the meditation was. and that's what I found really frustrating for a long time, because like I'm not doing it properly. Like there's, it doesn't feel relaxing because there's just, my mind is full of stuff now. Whereas before I could just move on and do stuff and prioritize, but now my mind is just full. And it wasn't really to like kind of learn the why that's happening. Why my mind is full of why those scores are coming up and how to effectively deal with those, and learning different meditation practices. So I've worked with a lot of coaches and currently with a coach just now called Mary Kate. And it's a very different meditation practice that I've never done before. And the reason I'm doing it is because I have, I it's really easy for me to get a mind full. And like I said, at the beginning, like my, like my mission and, in personal and business is to be the best version of myself. And to do that, I need to have the ability to control my mind, to lead myself in a way where I want to go. Instead of letting my mind and my thoughts overtake, myself, which can happen. And I'm not saying meditation is all is like the grounding thing that causes that, but it's the, it's the controller. It allows the ability well I'm learning anyway is allows the ability to shift gears.
Kayleigh Stangroom: Like when that thought comes up or something I don't like, or don't want, it gives me a really easy way just to shift. Like there's no like panic, no crying or anger no frustration it's just that shift. and that's why I want to be shifting faster and quicker, so that I can be the best version of myself and how old people. And I know that if I get my guests stuck, like even just want to drive and you put it in the wrong section that goes like eeeek. I don't want to be at that mental state any longer than I need to be, because there's going to be people on the other end, relying on me or need me to not be in that eeeeek state. They need to be, to be in the I'm in fifth gear, let's ride sort of state. So that's why I'm doing it. So for my future vision, but I'm getting it, I'm feeling the, now I'm getting it. I'm now willing the internal, like my whole nervous system, just being a lot more calmer from doing it, which is really cool.
Liz Clifton: Yeah. Yeah. I think it's beautiful. And I think it's the same as self care in general is as unique ways for everybody. So there'll be the perfect meditation for you and you just got to find it and it's having fun on that journey. You know, and not beating yourself up when it is tricky and things do come in like to everyone's mind. And it's just kind of acknowledging whatever comes in and go, oh yeah, you're there.
Liz Clifton: And just letting it go and just getting into that kind of flow process, which takes time and practice, but it's really about that. So yeah, I'm proud of you. and then, so speaking about, you said like about sometimes, you know, you feel like foggy your headphones for game. Have you tried like journaling or anything along those lines of self care now?
Kayleigh Stangroom: Yeah. So I have a bullet journal, although I'd never use it for the bullet journal, like the, the official, I've got a bullet journal book on how to be, how to bullet journal, never done it that way. So it's now just a journal, like random stuff that I want to brain dump speak into. So yeah. So when I get foggy headed, a lot of the signs, a lot on that as assigned for me that I've just pushed myself past a mental capacity. And I think like what I've learned as well is that, you know, I, where I am right now in my life, I have the flexibility to change, to choose when I work. I, how up until then I haven't had to work, whatever was given to me. And now that I'm slowing down in terms of work hours and stuff, having the flexibility, like, I dunno, my body's just like not used to it. Kayleigh Stangroom: So I'm pushing myself to do more when I actually don't, I don't need to do anymore. So that's kind of like, what, I've been journaling of these last few days is that. You know, you know, for the last 25 years I'd been doing X second X and now it's time to just like rest. Rest and, and it's okay not to do the long hours that, you know, society tells us to do. so yeah, I definitely use my journal. This one has times where I can't articulate why I'm feeling a certain way or what, like trying to piece it together. that gets like put in there. And I start writing down what were the possible things could be, what are the things I could work on. And just like self-reflecting on, okay. So it's not the end of the world. And I also use it for tracking.
Kayleigh Stangroom: So mood tracking, you know, PMS, all those things as a woman that we struggle with. And again, when he talked about, but they will come into how we feel and when we need self care the most. Because we're not working, but where we are working, machines will go beyond what we, we will because that's who we are. And it can be a deficit when our body's like, no, we need to pull back and heal. So tracking that and when those come up, has been really cool. My journal just like set reflection on, on how the day has been, what I would change to make even better. Again, that's not, this is myself kinda like the whole evaluating. And then where are you finding a new way makes me feel good. Cause I know that I'm on track to change. That might not be everyone's cup of tea.
Kayleigh Stangroom: Cause I might just be like, it sounds really exhausting going through listing, like why did that not work And so again, like I said, it's just individual. So my general is a lot of self-reflecting brain dumps. Anything emotional, I don't want to say I write it instead and that will then give it a voice. and then allow me to let it go. Like you were saying the whole, when we get emotional and get stressed and frustrated and I, and I'm actually, I get more frustrated, angry than I do upset. So I have to write down why I'm angry and then just kind of shout it out and let it go. I feel like anger is like the hardest one to let go there and like it's really, for me anyway, it's really easy to hold on to anger. So yeah, letting stuff go running out, has been incredible, but you go for a lot of journals doing it that way.
Liz Clifton: Yeah. Yeah. I can resonate with you on the anger. I think it's something that I historically kind of carried with me a lot. and I think that for me is one of the biggest things that kind of clearing all the old stuff and then having new strategies so that I don't, I don't feel that. Like if you say, you know, historically, what have you felt angry about what you carrying I didn't feel any anymore. And I think that was when I, the biggest kind of shifts for me. You know, going through my own personal development, you know, and that kind of stuff. Because I think there's so many things that they start frustration, but then it's, it's like the trigger stacking with dogs. You know, with dogs is that as it goes up over time, you've got this huge kind of stack of anger from way back when. Yeah.
Liz Clifton: And you're just kind of lumping it along with you and you're like, do you know what... I don't need to!
Kayleigh Stangroom: Exactly yeah. And it's limiting as well, isn't it like when you run that anger, Headspace, just when something that happened and it doesn't mean that whatever happened, wasn't like, it wasn't worth the anger. I know for me it was just cause I never spoke up about what I was angry about and then would be present and angry, which is not a nice place to be, but very easy to be when you don't want to stand up. Well, when I didn't want to stand up for myself, but yeah, it's then limiting because it's, it's, it can consume so much. And then create a perspective that isn't quite what you want cause you're just filled with anger, and stuff like that. So yeah, definitely. Agree with you letting it go is, is freeing. it's like he just taken rock stones at your rucksack every time that you release something.
Liz Clifton: Love that. So beautiful sort of analogy for it.
Kayleigh Stangroom: Yeah. It feels it as well.
Liz Clifton: Well, yeah, because you literally do, you kind of stand that bit taller because as much as it's kind of we're carrying it mentally, we do then carry it physically because we become exactly what we think. So if we're thinking, oh my goodness. And you literally are way down by the way of the world and then you release it and you know, you, do you feel that bit lighter.
Kayleigh Stangroom: Exactly.
Liz Clifton: So you're thinking about someone who's coming at self care for the very first time, where would you suggest they begin?
Kayleigh Stangroom: Oh, that's a great question. So I mean, my answer is always have a coach. Like regardless, I think, whatever, like whatever, like, that's always just been what I've been. I've always wanted to learn from someone who is educated, who knows this stuff has been for the journey I've been to, and can get you to where you want faster. Like that's the joke is the unpick everything and get the momentum so that you're not wasting potentially 5, 10. I don't how many years trying different things like I did. Like I like obviously I tried lots different meditations, lots of different tools and stuff. And you know, it was a long process for me to now understand really what self-care is. And I go, okay, so this is, this is, and now I understand it a lot more, but it took me a long time to get there. Kayleigh Stangroom: So anyone that wants to take self-care seriously, and to really, and to a point where you want to change how you're living. To have a better, you know, more freeing and enjoyable life without feeling the horrible grungy feelings. Then definitely like my first message to get a coach who is like going to support you to create that. Cause that's, it'll get you there in like eight weeks, twelve weeks, maybe six months, you know, a lot faster than four years of trying different things. Um hoping that it's going to work and doing it the hard way. So that's like where it starts the console. That's why I wish I did to do that. And otherwise, you know, if it's not something that's doable is actually just looking at what you want your life to look like instead. Like what do you want your day to look like?
Kayleigh Stangroom: What do you envision seeing for your, yourself, with your friends, with your family, with your partner and your business with your dog, if there's any dog owners watching. Like what do you envision seeing, for your day for your walks and every moment. And then that allows you to look at, okay, so where am I at right now? And why is it not here? Because it gives you the middle piece between here and you want to get here. But what's in the way, those middle pieces of what are going to be like, oh, this is what we get to work on first. And you might find that you have to do one at a time or like a couple of months and then another one, a couple of times for another month. But you know, that's, that's where I'd start. I know that I'm, I don't do things unless I have accountability, which is also why I get a coach. Because if someone's not putting me go and have you done that thing while you I just, I'll just kind of go ok. And then it just gets the dissolve somewhere, and I go back later and go, why didn't I do it? I just didn't take action. So having a coach as well, can be very supportive. They can actually get, but if that's not available then get a really good friend, that will do the journey with you. So you're not on your own doing it because as humans, aren't great at doing things on our own about accountability.
Liz Clifton: Thank you. And I really appreciate you being so open. yeah. Super appreciate you.
Kayleigh Stangroom: You're welcome. Thank you so much for having me.
Liz Clifton: Oh, my pleasure. And say, at least we on to my final question, which ties in really good with what you were saying. And it is what support network do you have now to support you in your self-care or anything that comes up for you when you're taking those sort of moments of reflection and your journaling?
Kayleigh Stangroom: Okay. So, what I have is I like have the, a room, which is when the doors closed, no one comes in for my reflection for my meditation. But whatever I need, I don't want anyone inherit, including dogs, like no one's allowed in here. and that's really clear to everyone in my house, that when this is shut, no one comes in. If there's something happening, that's a concern when I was still a bit and I'll tell them how long I'm going to be there. And if I'm not going to be in there for like five hours ago yep. See you soon. But that's one thing that works really well. I also have a great network of, again, I have a coach, multiple coaches, who support me and keep me accountable. And, into create my vision, I have friends that will go deep with me, and I'm really grateful for them, including my partner, because it's really easy to just be on surface level.
Kayleigh Stangroom: And actually to really let go of some things, having those tough conversations or those sad conversations or those angry rants. Like, being able to have those with people that are not judgy and not going to be, you know, they're not going to push you to do things. If you're not comfortable saying anything, they're just going to really hold the space and go, okay, cool. Let it all out, get it all out because they know that they know this stuff. They know this, they know the power of your emotions and that they're not who you are and how you're feeling is not who you are. And it's just a pattern that we've developed. We haven't done. And it's just releasing that. So having a great network of people who can hold support when need be and be accountable. Like I do have friends that will also push me when they go.
Kayleigh Stangroom: You said you were going to do it. Why have you not done it. Like, and that's also self care to me. Cause if I don't do the stuff that I want to be done, I'm not going to change what I want. and my partner's very good at that in a personal, he's very good at giving even remember that thing that you said you were going to commit to and you haven't done it or you've done it, half-assed. I'm like, oh yeah, that thing. And it's, it's, it's annoying, but it's, it's great at the same time. But yeah, definitely having my own space, having a great team, a lot of people are honest, loving, and not judging at all and having, having a coach, that can support me when I first started, I did have a therapist as well. Because they are amazing if you get the, a good one, and they're all bad, but finding the right therapist is important, cause they all have different ways of approaching. And the therapist I had was amazing, hard, but it's definitely released a lot of stuff. I didn't see. And then, like you were saying, they put different personal development courses. I had done it at the time have been, have now become great network resources, from the friendships that have been made during them. So really it's about like lots of different things, but community having your own space, and a coach, for me.
Liz Clifton: Yeah. Thank you. Yeah.
Kayleigh Stangroom: You're amazing. I'm so pleased that you're teaching and sharing the wisdom around self care and you know, having these interviews that are really open and public talk about so many taboo subjects. And, you know, unspoken territory, so that people get to have like the best, the best life, and feeling good about it. Not feeling empty and you know, well, yeah, empty because it never feels good being empty and it's, I've been there and it's frustrating. And I wish, you know, I don't wish, but like if this was around, when I was in that state, I couldn't imagine what difference it would have made to me. Now I would have got a lot of this stuff sooner. So I really appreciate you coming on inviting me and sharing this incredible, incredible series of everyone.
Liz Clifton: Thank you. Lovely, lovely. Yeah. And I think when we're feeding in that dark place and we feel alone, I think it's so important to know that so many other people have been there and is a light at the end of the tunnel. And it's just about, you know, keep stepping forward and yeah. And it will come.
Kayleigh Stangroom: It will come at, it takes a lot of trust. You have to continuously, yeah. Trust yourself that it will come. Like, no, there's no one wants anything bad to happen to anyone. Regardless like I was, you know, connected with the universe and believes in source and believes in the universe, but generally like, or God, but you know. Generally like it's the challenges we face, aren't there to, you know, destroy us the, to get, Hey, they're like trying to tell you something. And it's a message of either, do you want to, do you really want this in your life? Or like, what do you want? Because this is not what you want to, what are you going to do about it. And that's a way, and it's also a message like a mirror back to ourselves now, how would it be. And it we're being reflecting, but it's like I said, it's taking one step at a time trusting yourself and it will come. It will always come. But we have to go through the journey of learning, which is never as pleasant as it sounds. It's always up and downs, but you always get an up. If you just focus on the ups, the ups always stay up a bit like dog training.
Liz Clifton: Yeah. I think it's exactly the same, to be honest. With the psychology and behavior of people and of dogs, there's so many like parallels, you know, we all live in groups. There's definitely emotional awareness. definitely trigger stacking happens for both. And I think like the biggest lesson from a dog is be in the moment because they don't carry the same baggage. You know, they can imprint absolutely from their past behaviors. But they are present because it's that survival, but in like a good way present.
Kayleigh Stangroom: Yeah, definitely. That's one of the biggest things I take away from dogs as well. Their ability to, like you say, live in the moment. And just instantly forgive, like they're th they don't hold things against you. Like if you take that bowl of food away, they're not going to be like, oh, I can't believe my owner took my bowl of food away. And she didn't even ask, she just stole it. And it was a complete, like horrible mood. And they didn't go in like, say that their doggy friends or anything like it. Guaranteed 10 seconds later, they're like, oh, do you want cuddles? Like is completely forgotten about. And you know, there's so much that we can learn from dogs, like learning how to just forgive yourself, learning to love yourself. Like you love your dog because they are so unconditional with everything that they do, that, you know, they're just the perfect guides I would say for us.
Kayleigh Stangroom: But again, exactly the same, in my experience. And when I studied them at uni, all the, the research was based on human and dogs. Like, you know, the psychology was based on human research and then applied to the canine mind. But that's the only differences. Canines obviously sniff. They have four legs, they have a tail. But you know, the, the actual psychology of it is exactly the same. We just have different ways of communicating and expressing. And we're a bit more advanced in some areas than our dogs, but it's interesting probably a topic for another day. Yes.
Liz Clifton: I feel that, yeah. We get to reconnect on that. Maybe another series that I'll do.
Kayleigh Stangroom: How to be more dog.
Liz Clifton: Yeah. I think I've had that written down about a hundred times.
Kayleigh Stangroom: Clearly trying to say to you we need this one.
Liz Clifton: Exactly. Yeah. And just being aware, because obviously they're conscious beings as well. So it's just looking at it through that perspective. Yeah. But no amazing. Thank you so much for your time today. I utterly appreciate you.
Kayleigh Stangroom: Welcome. Thank you so much for having me.
Liz Clifton: So welcome. So have a wonderful rest of your day.